Friday, December 26, 2014

Need It To End.

Sometimes... You just can't take it anymore.

It's killing me.

This, all of this, is killing me from the inside out.
I can't breathe. I can't speak. Or think. Or eat. Or even cry anymore.

I've lost all hope of being able to choose. I've lost all hope in myself. In my mind, and my heart.

All I want is for this to end. I can't take it anymore.

I'm living in a state of anxiety 24/7. My heart is always tight, my mind is always foggy, my eyes are always watery.

I can't handle the pain anymore. Everything hurts. Everything stings. Everything stresses.

Every word, no matter what it means, ends up giving me more questions and doubts instead of answers.

My heat will be broken no matter what I choose. My mind will be crowded no matter where I go.

All I want is this confusion, this hurt, this stress, this anxiety, this, all of this, all of the doubt, to end.

Because if it doesn't, I will. End.

Today's motto: "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Today's song:

Today's song:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Friday, December 19, 2014

Too Stressed To Reflect

Sometimes... You're just not in the mood to think.

Lately I've been so stressed about all the decisions I need to take, all I've been wanting is something to take my mind away.
Anxiety creeps in at every moment, I keep catching my breath. And not in a good way.

My deadline is closing in. I have to decide if I'm going to leave my country to take the course I want, while dying inside because I'll have to be away from my family, or stay in my country next to my family and forget my dream. Yeah, I know, seems easy hun?

Every time this comes to my head, my heart jumps. I cant control how anxious I get. And I can't get it out of my head either.

I've been living in a stage of stress for the past months. Half of me is really thankful that I have less then a month to decide. At least this will be over.
But the other half of me just wished I had more time.

I've gone over the pros and cons of both options a million times and I still can't decide. How can I? Decide between being away from my family while pursuing my dream or forgetting it and staying with them?

I guess it's that old dilemma: Career or Family?

I mean it's not like I'm not going to see my family at every chance I get a talk to them every single day. But I won't be able to hug my mom everyday, to go to my dad's house every two weeks and watch crazy movies filled with guns with him (not really my style, but there's actually been some I liked!

Even when I move out of my house, my mom and my dad will always be a short car ride away!

If I go to the UK?? They'll be a freaking play ride away!!

On the other hand, Skype is a miracle and the UK and Portugal aren't too far away. And tickets can be pretty cheap.

Still... not the same. But to take a great course and maybe have a chance to actually follow my dream, it can be worth it. Right?

I don't know... That's the thing. I don't know.

And I need to know.

Today's motto: "Waiting hurts. Forgiving hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful..." - José N. Harris

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Friday, November 14, 2014

Sleepless Nights

Sometimes... You just can't sleep.

I lay here
Eyes Open
Surrounded by Darkness 

I lay here
Trying to drift off
To that land where all we wish is true

But I don't
I can't

I'm stuck here
In the Darkness
Where I lay
Motionless and Silent 


Because you're not here with me
Because I can't dream and pretend you are

Instead, here I just lay
As time goes by
Until the Light finally comes 
And starts to erase the Dark

But not from my heart 

Today's motto: " 4am knows all my secrets"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Monday, November 10, 2014

Writer's Block

Sometimes... You get blocked.

I'm not sure if i can call this writer's block, because I don't consider myself a writer in anyway... But the truth is, I am blocked.

I can't figure out what to write about or how to write it.

There's a poetry contest going on right now where I live, and I usually always send some stuff there (I never won or anything, but I still find it fun and thrilling!).
But soon the deadline will be here and I haven't come up with one single poem.

A couple of years ago I would write almost every single day! Mostly poetry, even though I always wrote some random text and short stories (or long stories that I never finished) once in a while.

But since then, I've been completely blocked.

And not just in writing.

It kind of feels like my entire life is blocked.

I can't find a part-time job, I can't find a place to volunteer that fits me, I can't start my dancing classes and my driving license classes cause it somehow feels like I always have something else to do, even though I feel like I do nothing.

I can't decide which course, school or even which country I want to have my college years in.

I'm lost and blocked.

And I have no idea how to find myself and break free.

Today's motto: "Writing about writer's block is better than not writing at all"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Moon Shines - a poem

Sometimes... the moon shines.

The Moon Shines

Have you ever seen it?

That one singular moment
When the Moon shines?

Did you see it's beauty

Feel it's light
And hear it's whisper?

Oh, if you've never heard Her whisper

You've never heard any whisper at all.

It is the most delightful sound

Like the Wind singing a song
Given beat by the Raindrops that slowly fall 
While you simply lay in bed and listen.

It's like witnessing the Sea

Chanting it's way till Shore
Which welcomes Him with open harms
Echoing His melody.

It's like having your soul mate

Softly mutter at your ear
The three words that set your body on Fire
"I love you"

And so, that's the whisper

That you can only hear in that magical moment
When all Faries come out
and The Moon Shines.

Today's motto: "The moon is friend for the lonesome to talk to."

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses,

Ella <3

Friday, October 17, 2014

Keep Fighting

Sometimes... You have too keep up the fight even if you keep losing it.

The are many times when things don't go our way.
When we want something that, no matter how hard we try to achieve, we just can't seem to get.
When you try so hard to reach our goal, and it just seems to run away.
When we can almost see it, almost touch it... and then something happens that puts us right back where we started once again.

Things can take unexpected turns, brings us down and crash our hopes.

But we can't let them.

It's ok to be frustrated.
It's ok to be mad.
It's ok to be sad.

But it's not ok to give up!

Even if it all seems against you, even if you feel like all you have is bad luck, even if it looks like life hates you and it's trying to sabotage every single thing you do... You HAVE to keep fighting.

You have to get up again and again and again and again, forever, no matter how many times you fall.

You have to find new ways to do things, new places to go to, new people to talk to, new phrases to say. You have to keep finding new things that can take you to where you wanna go, to what you want to get.

No matter what, you HAVE to keep going.

You HAVE to fight for your DREAMS.

Because if you don't... they die

And so does you soul.

Today's motto: "You have to keep up the fight, even if you keep losing all the battles. Because if you give up the fight, you also give up any of the chances to win"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Friday, October 10, 2014


Sometimes... You have to decide, even though you're not sure if you're making the right choice.

This month as been the most complicated and stressful month I think I ever had. 

I had a very important decision to make that changed the coursed of everything, at least for now.

I got into college. Into cinema, which I love. So usually, people would be happy and over the top about right?
Well... Not me.

The truth is, even though I love cinema A LOT, my first choice was always performing arts. But here where I live that's impossible, cause there's only one course, in a private college (yep, I'm not rich here!) and the actual course isn't that great.

Adding to that, I had always wanted to take a gap year. The idea of having an entire year to discover and explore the world, and myself, fascinated me! It's been something I wanted to do for a while.

So, I get into colllege, but I can't stop thinking about that gap year I dreamed of.
And then I'm told that if I cancel my enrollment in 10 days, I get the money from the tuition fee back. 

So I had to make a decision. Fast.

Now let's be honest here: I suck at decisions!! I can't decide betewen two cute tops! How was I supposed to do this?

Well... Wilth a lot of stress, anxiety, fear and hurt, that's for sure.
These were two of the harder weeks of my life.

Deep down I knew I wanted the gap year, because I felt like it was such an opurtunity, and because I didn't want to regret not doing it latter.

I did like the college and the course, but I can always try again next year. Or even figuere out other college with a course closer to what I want (if I'm brave enough to go study abroad, that is...).

So I decided to take my time.

This is officially the 2nd day of my gap year.

I don't know if I made the right choice.
I'm sacred, because I'm not sure anout what's to come.
It's uncertain, and us humans are scared about uncertainty. 
But we also get exited by it.
It's something that's truly hard to understand...

But I do know this: whatever happens, I made this decision by myself, for myself, with my heart.

I guess that's all that matters, right?

Today's motto: "Decisions are as hard as stone. So you need to get a hammer, break them down, and just figure it out."

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Monday, September 22, 2014

Long Time, No See!

Sometimes... it's just not you time.

So look who decided to write on her blog again after months and months of being away...

I really did want to be back! I swear! But I wasn't allowed to. Honestly, I hadn't done anything I truly wanted to till Summer break started! And with camp and all... I still wasn't ready to write here again.

But today, for dome reason, I felt this crazy urge to just come here and write something. Anything.
It remimded me of what it felt like long ago, when I started this journey...

I can't promise "posts everyday" or even "posts every week" (I actually don't know if I got into college yet so... I have no idea of how my life will be in a week!), but I can promise you this: I love blogging, and writting and sharing my thoughts with you. So I'll try my best to keep doing it.

And yes, I'm totally crazy for having 3 blogs (actually, almost 4, but that's a totally different post I'll do soon...), 2 YouTube channels, and still do school, drama club, dance classes, singing classes... Oh and find time to watch tons and tons of series somehow...

Yep. I'm 100% crazy!

But I love it all!! So I keep going, even if sometimes I have to leave a couple of things behind to focus on the ones that are colling me the most at the time.

My goal is to be able to manage all this and not fail any of the things (at least not too much). Complicated? Yes. Impossible? I hope not!

So here I am, on my couch, wearing my PJ's, listening to the rain outside, with FashionTV on and writing on my blog.

I have to say... it feels pretty good!

Today's motto: "If you can't do it all at one, start by doing one thing at a time. At some point, all will be done."

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


Sometimes... Life takes over, and there's nothing you can do about it.

So maybe I wasn't back...

Maybe I was fooling myself, trying to make myself believe I could just come back and pretend like I was ok and actually had time to come back.

But I wasn't.

Honestly, I don't know if I'm back now!

But I can tell you this: I want to be.

I want to get out of this crazy cicle where school is life and it's all I care about, where all the fun has been taken away, where drama club is more of a pain then it is of a pleasure... Where I wanted to be here and write, and I just couldn't cause I always had everything else to do!

I want my happy, free, positive and lifefull self back!! I want to be myself!

I want to never have an anxiety attack again and stop being nervous and paranoid all the time.


So please, life, let me do what I want.

Today's motto: "When you want something, you gotta go and get it yourself, cause no one will do it for you"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3