I choseto like wholikes me.
To listen to whohears me.
To worry about whoworries about me. To love wholoves me.
To help those who help me.
I choseto like myself. To focuson what Ilike.
To strivefor whatIlove. To workto satisfy myself.
I chose to livethe wayI want and like, according to myideals andvalues, without worrying aboutopinionsand judgments of those who have nothing onwhichto judge.
I choseto walkstraight ahead, justgivingmyselfthe luxuryof looking back when to admiremy past, my mistakes, my victoriesandeverything elsethat made mewho I am now.
I choseto fight toget outof the cage andfly freely, leaving the door opento be able togo back andrestfrom time to time.
I choseto dropallthatweights pullingmedown,one at a time, and so,lighten upin order to flyhigher.
Sometimes... you find your way and climb out of the black hole.
For the past months, I've been lost. Totally empty. I was always sad, upset, crying, hurting.
It felt like nothing made sense. Like things were all wrong. Like nothing could help me coming back from the darkness.
I had lost myself.
The things I love meant nothing. They felt so away. Like they had run away from me. Like everything else had.
I wasn't doing anything because I like it. All I did was because I had to do it. Nothing felt good or amusing. Things were just boring and meaningless. Even though I loved them. I knew I did! I just didn't remember...
Everyone was gone. There was nobody there to catch me. To tell everything would be alright. To make me feel like I wasn't a total failure and that I could get out of the dark and come back to the light.
My best friend left me for someone that hurts and destroys her.
My other friends have their lives.
And I won't even mention him. Why would I? It's not like it matters at all.
All I did was survive.
But, after going through being lost, I finally found myself.
How, you ask? In everything I love. In singing, acting writing, making YouTube videos, dancing, reading ... just Living.
And in the people. My friends, my family, random people that inspire me (Kimmi Smiles was - is - a big one). They are the ones that matter. They are the ones who love me and care about me and that I love and care about. They are the important ones.
And all of this woke me up.
It made me see it. All of it.
All the beauty, the happiness, the love that surrounds me.
I woke up and said "You know what? I should be happy. I deserve to be happy! I AM HAPPY!".
And, let's be honest, I have a roof, a family, food, clothes, everything I need and some extras.
Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I've been disappointed. Yes, I've been broken. Yes, I've been lost.
But that's fine! That's all fine.
Wanna know why?
Because that means one thing:
I AM ALIVE.
AND I LOVE IT.
Today's motto: “You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth.”
Today's song: Catch My Breath - cover by Against The Current and Alex Goot
Sometimes... you have to say "I've had enough".
I'm sick.
I'm just sick.
Sick of the lies, of the games, the smiles, the tears, the sadness, the happiness...
Sick of everything.
All thanks to him.
The one that has ever made me feel like I was loved, who's also the one that makes me feel alone and broke.
The only one I never expected to leave me, left.
Worse. Tricked me. Lied. Broke a promise.
And now? Acts like I'm invisible. Like I don't exist. Like I never did...
You know what?
Stop.
Stop for a second. Leave all of your little stupid plays behind for a moment. And look. Just look at what you're doing. To you. To her. To them. To me. To us. To everyone and everything. Stop! Just stop! End the lies. The tricks. The false smiles, words, looks. Just end it all. End the play. Cause I'm closing the curtains.
Today's motto: "You have to be strong. And, a lot of times, that means leaving behind who you love."
Sometimes... you can even surprise yourself!
I think I'm going to say the most strange thing in the world: I want them to stay together.
Yes, them. Not me and him. Them.
They're perfect!
I know it sounds like I'm crazy, I mean, wanting the guy I love to be with other girl? Crazy! But... Whatever! Then I'm crazy. So what?
It's just the truth!
I feel like they just belong to each other. And I can't even believe they ever broke up!
I have no idea of their story or what happened between them. All I know is that they belong together.
I'm sure of it like I've never been sure of anything in my life.
He needs someone that can prove to him that he has much to give (as I know he does), and she's need someone that shows her how amazing and beautiful she is.
They would help each other in ways that they won't even be able to see. Only someone that's on the outside can understand. Because it's something that you don't see when it happens to you. Only when it happens to others.
I still love him. I do. It's not like it's something that just goes away with a pill!
But exactly because I love him that I want him to be happy and to be with someone that can understand him and show him how great he really is.
Even if that someone isn't me.
Plus, I like her! As I've said before, I can see a spark of myself in her.
And she deserves to be happy too.
I don't need to know her very well (but I actually want to!) to know that she's special.
She's the one for him.
I'm pretty sure.
I just wish I could help them!
I mean he has a girlfriend (which, btw, I hate! Not just causes he's his girlfriend but really cause she's kind of stupid! I've never liked her! And I knew her way before they were together!).
And she's hurt and sad and broke!
But I still thing they have a change!
They have to!
They need to.
I just wish I could do something...
Btw, when did become a matchmaker?
Today's motto: "You gotta sacrifice yourself for the ones you love. That's life"
Sometimes... you do things that make sense to no one but you.
I did something really strange.
I started speaking with his ex-girlfriend.
Yes, the one he left me for.
I know right? Really weird!
To be honest, I'm not really sure why I did it!
But I'm actually glad I did! Which is the weirdest.
She's so special! And different! She reminds me of... myself.
She's a great writer too, actually. She's really amazing. That's why I started talking to her, in the first place. I told her I loved what she writes. Which is true! And she was super sweet to me. And now, we've been talking for a while!
The thing is... she has no idea of who I am! I talk to her as an anonymous. And she wants to know who I am. And what connects us (I told her we had a "strange and kind of dark" connection). And I wanna tell her! But...
What if she thinks I'm a freak? What if she thinks I'm trying to get him in trouble? Because that's so not it!
What if she tells him? But my biggest fear is... What if she hates me? What if she gets mad at me?
I mean, I'm the girl he tried to conquer after being with her (even if he only tried for like a week, but whatever).
And she's the girl he left me to be with!
Shouldn't I hate her?
But... I don't wanna hate her! I can't hate her! She is too special! She's too... looked like me!!!!
And I don't want her to hate me!
It might seem like the weirdest thing ever but... I want us to be friends! I feel like we could help each other a lot. About him. And not just that.
It really feels like we're two parts of the same person.
When I read what she writes... It's almost like I can see myself writing the same (although, I don't have as much talent as she does)! Almost like I know and feel the same. And that's really weird!
But, for some odd reason, I like that we have these weird connections (even though having "him" as a connection might not be so good) .
It makes me feel like...
Like I'm not alone anymore.
Today's motto: "A dark connection might just become a really good friendship."
Today's song: I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift
Sometimes... you're just stuck.
He has a new girlfriend. Isn't it great??
Being ironic is the best thing I can do right now.
Why, from all the people in the world,did I have to fall in love with a guy that has a new girlfriend every week??
It just hurts so much. And he aid he loves her. Not to me, obviously! He barely talks to me at all!
It's like I did something wrong! I did something wrong? Come on! He broke me 300 times, he lied and cheated! And I did something wrong? And he's the one that's not talking to me?
What's wrong with this world?
The worse thing?
I love him...
Today's motto: "Some people will never stop breaking your heart"
Today's song: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, covered by Debby Ryan and Nick Santino
