Is a Dream really worth this much pain?

Sometimes... Things go as you planned. 


I got in.

I applied for a collage in the UK. For a Performance course.
And got in.

I should be happy, right?


Then, why do I feel miserable?
Why don't I want this?
Why can't I just be normal and be happy about this like anyone else would?

I don't want to go.
I don't want to leave my family, my home. They're my Life. Without them, I'm nothing. I'm just a shell, no soul.
I'll be alone. And hurt.
I'll be in hell.
I'll be dead inside.


And why?
Because of some Dream that might never come true?
Because of some stupid Dream? A Dream that I don't even know if is my Dream??
How could it be? I barely know anything about it!

How can I say I want to do movies, when I never have?
How can I say I want to make music, when I can't compose? Or even play an instrument at all?
How can I say I want to act, when I'm pretty sure my skills aren't even good enough to be called acting? Sure they're great for a school drama club, but this isn't school. This is Life.
How can I say I want to sing? I can say I love it. But how can I dare to think that, with all the fantastically talented people out there, who are 300x better then me, I actually have a chance?



I'll put myself trough hell. And the ones around me.
And for what?
A Dream?

Is a Dream worth all of this?




Today's Song:

I'm sorry but I don't have a motto or a picture today, I wrote this right when I got the news because I needed to get it all out.

Let's all hope this will go away, ok?
Let's all hope I'll be ok, and that things will go well, ok?
Please, hope with me.

I don't know what else to do.

Refreshed

Sometimes... You just need a reminder!



It's has been a pretty hard time for me. So many things to deal with, having to crack my soul open (I know, that sounds weird, one day I'll get into details but it's too soon to talk about it now), decisions, big messes, work that most people don't consider work but that means a lot to me (I'm talking about blogs and YouTube and such... I make no money out of it and I don't have many people reading what I write or watching my videos, but for some reason these things make me happy and I wanna keep up with them - even though pretty much everyone else tells me they're pointless and that I should just stop. Which I won't!), plans that never come true, travelling plans which I have no money for and have no idea of how to get some, no job...

EVERYTHING is a mess!! But... I feel refreshed today!!
Why?? Because I just watched one of my favorite movies for the 10th time this week: The Clique.

And you know what?? Massie Block (even though she can be pretty mean) is the bomb.com and there is somethings she gets right: you gotta stand up for yourself, life as yourself and make a place for yourself!
And also, you gotta live day by day, do and say what you feel right now, tomorrow is a new day and even though you should plan some stuff ahead (like the outfit you'll wear the next day, per example...), you should never stress too much about tomorrow because, tbh, you can't control it!!


So yeah, I'm still freaking out because I'm not sure how I'm gonna go to the UK and to Paris in the same month with no money, yeah I still don't have a freaking way to make money, I still don't know what to do to settle some crazy confusions that just came up with people I really like, I still feel like crap because I think that by moving away I'll leave my dad alone, I still don't know if I'll be able to live away from home and survive, I still don't make money out of the things I love to do and people still tell me to stop doing them...

But you know what? Every time an opportunity presents itself so I can solve one (or more) of these issues, I'll take it. And I'll do my best to get these chances and use them the best I can.
But until then... I'll also do my best no to stress about them.

Because each day is a day, and you don't know what will happen!! My dad could get a new GF tomorrow and start having more concerts, I could be called for the perfect job in three days and I can start making money out of my blogs or YouTube or whatever else I love in a month!!
You never know!!


So it's time to take a turn, cross the road and see what's there.



And I'll take some of Massie's attitude with me (not the mean part, promise!), because she gives me strength!

And that's what I need right now.





Today's Motto: 

"Your mind will answer most questions if yo learn to relax and wait for the answer."                                                                                                                                            - William S.Burroughs

Today's Song:

Today's Pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Need It To End.

Sometimes... You just can't take it anymore.



It's killing me.

This, all of this, is killing me from the inside out.
I can't breathe. I can't speak. Or think. Or eat. Or even cry anymore.

I've lost all hope of being able to choose. I've lost all hope in myself. In my mind, and my heart.

All I want is for this to end. I can't take it anymore.




I'm living in a state of anxiety 24/7. My heart is always tight, my mind is always foggy, my eyes are always watery.

I can't handle the pain anymore. Everything hurts. Everything stings. Everything stresses.

Every word, no matter what it means, ends up giving me more questions and doubts instead of answers.

My heat will be broken no matter what I choose. My mind will be crowded no matter where I go.


All I want is this confusion, this hurt, this stress, this anxiety, this, all of this, all of the doubt, to end.



Because if it doesn't, I will. End.








Today's motto: "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."


Today's song:

Today's song:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Too Stressed To Reflect

Sometimes... You're just not in the mood to think.



Lately I've been so stressed about all the decisions I need to take, all I've been wanting is something to take my mind away.
Anxiety creeps in at every moment, I keep catching my breath. And not in a good way.

My deadline is closing in. I have to decide if I'm going to leave my country to take the course I want, while dying inside because I'll have to be away from my family, or stay in my country next to my family and forget my dream. Yeah, I know, seems easy hun?

Every time this comes to my head, my heart jumps. I cant control how anxious I get. And I can't get it out of my head either.

I've been living in a stage of stress for the past months. Half of me is really thankful that I have less then a month to decide. At least this will be over.
But the other half of me just wished I had more time.

I've gone over the pros and cons of both options a million times and I still can't decide. How can I? Decide between being away from my family while pursuing my dream or forgetting it and staying with them?

I guess it's that old dilemma: Career or Family?

I mean it's not like I'm not going to see my family at every chance I get a talk to them every single day. But I won't be able to hug my mom everyday, to go to my dad's house every two weeks and watch crazy movies filled with guns with him (not really my style, but there's actually been some I liked!

Even when I move out of my house, my mom and my dad will always be a short car ride away!

If I go to the UK?? They'll be a freaking play ride away!!

On the other hand, Skype is a miracle and the UK and Portugal aren't too far away. And tickets can be pretty cheap.

Still... not the same. But to take a great course and maybe have a chance to actually follow my dream, it can be worth it. Right?

I don't know... That's the thing. I don't know.




And I need to know.









Today's motto: "Waiting hurts. Forgiving hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful..." - José N. Harris


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Sleepless Nights

Sometimes... You just can't sleep.

I lay here

Motionless

Eyes Open

Surrounded by Darkness 

I lay here

Silent

Trying to drift off

To that land where all we wish is true

But I don't

I can't

I'm stuck here

In the Darkness

Where I lay

Motionless and Silent 

Alone

Because you're not here with me

Because I can't dream and pretend you are

Instead, here I just lay

As time goes by

Until the Light finally comes 

And starts to erase the Dark

But not from my heart 

Today's motto: " 4am knows all my secrets"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Writer's Block

Sometimes... You get blocked.



I'm not sure if i can call this writer's block, because I don't consider myself a writer in anyway... But the truth is, I am blocked.

I can't figure out what to write about or how to write it.

There's a poetry contest going on right now where I live, and I usually always send some stuff there (I never won or anything, but I still find it fun and thrilling!).
But soon the deadline will be here and I haven't come up with one single poem.

A couple of years ago I would write almost every single day! Mostly poetry, even though I always wrote some random text and short stories (or long stories that I never finished) once in a while.

But since then, I've been completely blocked.


And not just in writing.


It kind of feels like my entire life is blocked.

I can't find a part-time job, I can't find a place to volunteer that fits me, I can't start my dancing classes and my driving license classes cause it somehow feels like I always have something else to do, even though I feel like I do nothing.

I can't decide which course, school or even which country I want to have my college years in.

I'm lost and blocked.



And I have no idea how to find myself and break free.





Today's motto: "Writing about writer's block is better than not writing at all"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

The Moon Shines - a poem

Sometimes... the moon shines.

The Moon Shines

Have you ever seen it?

That one singular moment

When the Moon shines?

Did you see it's beauty

Feel it's light

And hear it's whisper?

Oh, if you've never heard Her whisper

You've never heard any whisper at all.

It is the most delightful sound

Like the Wind singing a song

Given beat by the Raindrops that slowly fall 

While you simply lay in bed and listen.

It's like witnessing the Sea

Chanting it's way till Shore

Which welcomes Him with open harms

Echoing His melody.

It's like having your soul mate

Softly mutter at your ear

The three words that set your body on Fire

"I love you"

And so, that's the whisper

That you can only hear in that magical moment

When all Faries come out

and The Moon Shines.

Today's motto: "The moon is friend for the lonesome to talk to."


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses,

Ella <3

Keep Fighting

Sometimes... You have too keep up the fight even if you keep losing it.





The are many times when things don't go our way.
When we want something that, no matter how hard we try to achieve, we just can't seem to get.
When you try so hard to reach our goal, and it just seems to run away.
When we can almost see it, almost touch it... and then something happens that puts us right back where we started once again.



Things can take unexpected turns, brings us down and crash our hopes.

But we can't let them.



It's ok to be frustrated.
It's ok to be mad.
It's ok to be sad.


But it's not ok to give up!



Even if it all seems against you, even if you feel like all you have is bad luck, even if it looks like life hates you and it's trying to sabotage every single thing you do... You HAVE to keep fighting.

You have to get up again and again and again and again, forever, no matter how many times you fall.

You have to find new ways to do things, new places to go to, new people to talk to, new phrases to say. You have to keep finding new things that can take you to where you wanna go, to what you want to get.


No matter what, you HAVE to keep going.

You HAVE to fight for your DREAMS.


Because if you don't... they die

And so does you soul.




Today's motto: "You have to keep up the fight, even if you keep losing all the battles. Because if you give up the fight, you also give up any of the chances to win"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Decisions

Sometimes... You have to decide, even though you're not sure if you're making the right choice.

This month as been the most complicated and stressful month I think I ever had. 

I had a very important decision to make that changed the coursed of everything, at least for now.

I got into college. Into cinema, which I love. So usually, people would be happy and over the top about right?

Well... Not me.

The truth is, even though I love cinema A LOT, my first choice was always performing arts. But here where I live that's impossible, cause there's only one course, in a private college (yep, I'm not rich here!) and the actual course isn't that great.

Adding to that, I had always wanted to take a gap year. The idea of having an entire year to discover and explore the world, and myself, fascinated me! It's been something I wanted to do for a while.

So, I get into colllege, but I can't stop thinking about that gap year I dreamed of.

And then I'm told that if I cancel my enrollment in 10 days, I get the money from the tuition fee back. 

So I had to make a decision. Fast.

Now let's be honest here: I suck at decisions!! I can't decide betewen two cute tops! How was I supposed to do this?

Well... Wilth a lot of stress, anxiety, fear and hurt, that's for sure.

These were two of the harder weeks of my life.

Deep down I knew I wanted the gap year, because I felt like it was such an opurtunity, and because I didn't want to regret not doing it latter.

I did like the college and the course, but I can always try again next year. Or even figuere out other college with a course closer to what I want (if I'm brave enough to go study abroad, that is...).

So I decided to take my time.

This is officially the 2nd day of my gap year.

I don't know if I made the right choice.

I'm sacred, because I'm not sure anout what's to come.

It's uncertain, and us humans are scared about uncertainty. 

But we also get exited by it.

It's something that's truly hard to understand...

But I do know this: whatever happens, I made this decision by myself, for myself, with my heart.

I guess that's all that matters, right?






Today's motto: "Decisions are as hard as stone. So you need to get a hammer, break them down, and just figure it out."


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Long Time, No See!

Sometimes... it's just not you time.



So look who decided to write on her blog again after months and months of being away...

I really did want to be back! I swear! But I wasn't allowed to. Honestly, I hadn't done anything I truly wanted to till Summer break started! And with camp and all... I still wasn't ready to write here again.

But today, for dome reason, I felt this crazy urge to just come here and write something. Anything.
It remimded me of what it felt like long ago, when I started this journey...

I can't promise "posts everyday" or even "posts every week" (I actually don't know if I got into college yet so... I have no idea of how my life will be in a week!), but I can promise you this: I love blogging, and writting and sharing my thoughts with you. So I'll try my best to keep doing it.

And yes, I'm totally crazy for having 3 blogs (actually, almost 4, but that's a totally different post I'll do soon...), 2 YouTube channels, and still do school, drama club, dance classes, singing classes... Oh and find time to watch tons and tons of series somehow...

Yep. I'm 100% crazy!

But I love it all!! So I keep going, even if sometimes I have to leave a couple of things behind to focus on the ones that are colling me the most at the time.


My goal is to be able to manage all this and not fail any of the things (at least not too much). Complicated? Yes. Impossible? I hope not!


So here I am, on my couch, wearing my PJ's, listening to the rain outside, with FashionTV on and writing on my blog.

I have to say... it feels pretty good!






Today's motto: "If you can't do it all at one, start by doing one thing at a time. At some point, all will be done."


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Ups...

Sometimes... Life takes over, and there's nothing you can do about it.




So maybe I wasn't back...

Maybe I was fooling myself, trying to make myself believe I could just come back and pretend like I was ok and actually had time to come back.


But I wasn't.




Honestly, I don't know if I'm back now!

But I can tell you this: I want to be.


I want to get out of this crazy cicle where school is life and it's all I care about, where all the fun has been taken away, where drama club is more of a pain then it is of a pleasure... Where I wanted to be here and write, and I just couldn't cause I always had everything else to do!


I want my happy, free, positive and lifefull self back!! I want to be myself!

I want to never have an anxiety attack again and stop being nervous and paranoid all the time.



I WANT TO BE BACK!



So please, life, let me do what I want.







Today's motto: "When you want something, you gotta go and get it yourself, cause no one will do it for you"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Being Back.

Sometimes... you just need time to think and remake yourself.




Things were complicated.

A lot happened.

I had to stop for a while.



Summer was bittersweet.

I had some of the best moments of my life in that camp I was so afraid of going to (check my last post), which proved my point: the things you fear the most are the ones you probably should do!

But I also had the worst moment of my life: my grandmother passed away.
I'm not ready to go there yet. I will be, one day. Just not today.




After so much happening, I needed a spiritual retreat. Or maybe just a retreat.




I  left a big part of my life on hold. My blogs, YouTube, some other stuff I don't feel like talking about now...


It was hard. Leaving it all.
Even knowing it wasn't for good.
It was still hard.

But I knew it was going to be a good thing, in a long run.

And it was.




But now, it's over!




I'M BACK!!!


I'm finally back!!! Shiny and bright as new and exited for what's to come! There's a lot I still have to get used to but I don't need to be away from the world to do that anymore!

And I am so happy about it!



I can't wait to start writing again!

I've missed it...

I just couldn't force myself to do it. I was too numb.

But I'm finally here and I'm not planning to leave anytime soon!!



So be ready!!

And get on this new ride with me! Let's see where it takes us...







Today's motto: "There are going to be times in your life you are going to have to stop, take a breath, and just think. But those moments ephemeral. They are just transitory states that will take you from your past to your future"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses


Ella <3

Fear.

Sometimes... you have to walk right into what you fear.





For many year my life has been ruled by fear. It's something I can't control.
There are tons of things I never did just because I was afraid. And most of them were things I really wanted to do. Most of them were things I'm hoping to do in my future.


I'm very shy. Not "I'm quiet at first" shy. "I totally freeze when I'm in a place with other people" shy!
And it has been taking over my life.


Acting workshops, singing and dance classes, camps... all things I never got myself into because I was to afraid that my shyness would speak louder and stop me from doing whatever I had or wanted to do.



I've been fighting this fear for years, since I remember being a person really, and I've been losing.





But...
Not. Any. More!





I've made a decision. From now on I will try my best to get myself into situations that are out of my comfort zone. I'm going to try my best to overcome my issues with being shy and win this war!


Starting this summer.



I'll be going to a performative arts camp. I've never been so scared in my life. I can't stop thinking about it. And it's starts in like a month!
But I'm so afraid.


But I promised myself I wouldn't back down. I'm going to do this!
The worst thing that can happen is spending the most awful week of my life, hate it, and then... it's over!
But, at least this one time, I won't regret something I didn't do!
In the worse scenario, I'll regret something I did! And believe me, for me, it's already a huge win!


I'm sure, no matter what happens, that I'll be happy in the end.





Because I faced my fear.










Today's motto: "You've got to risk it to get the biscuit!"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses


Ella <3

Questions.

Sometimes... you have to question everything you've always believed in.






My entire life, I've worked very hard.


To do good in school, to try not to disappoint my family and friends, to be always honest, nice, sweet...


I've always tried my best, mostly in school.

I've worked myself to exhaustion many times. But this year, it got serious.

As in crying compulsively in the middle of a test serious!



I have always been told you are supposed to have the best grades so you'll get into a nice collage and have a perfect life.

But we all know that's not how it works.

You can get into a nice collage, but that doesn't, in any way, mean you'll have a life even close to perfect.



Personally, I think a perfect life would be too easy and boring.

But I do want a good life. I want to do what I love, what makes me happy. I want friends that love me for who I am. I want my family to be proud of me.



So... to get that, I need amazing grades right now? Is that it?

Because that's what they make us believe... That's what I've always believed, even without noticing it!


Why would I try so hard if I didn't?



I want to best the best I can be, yes.

But the key word here is can!

Can I work myself to exhaustion? Can I be stressed all the time because of school? Can I go crazy and have a breakdown because of a grade? Really? Can I?

I don't think so!



I want to do it right. I want to be the best I can be. For myself. And the ones I love.

But I don't want this!

I don't want to be acting like a little baby that doesn't want to go to school the next day!
I don't want to be exhausted everyday.
I don't want to be stressed and freaked out because I have a test in a couple of days and I feel like I'm not going to get a 20 out of 20!

I really do not want this!



It looks like I'm trying to get into a medicine course or something!
I'm not!

I don't even know what course I'm trying to get into!!


Is it performing arts? Cinema? Fashion? Literature? I DON'T KNOW!



Then why am I freaking out all the time? Why?




Wanna know why? Because that's what I've been taught to do.


Since you get into school, you're encouraged try to be the best (not the best you can be, just the best, as in better than everyone else), to have the maximum quotation in a test even if that makes you loose three or four days of your live, to memorize every single page of a huge book for a day and forget it the next...

Why?



Why do they make us believe this is going to make us happy?

And why do you take it!? Why don't we question it??


Well... I'm questioning it now!




But I still don't know anything...











Today's motto: "Have the life you want, not the one other people want for you"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses


Ella <3

Choices.

Sometimes... you realize.




Life is about choices. So I chose.

I chose to like who likes me.
To listen to who hears me.
To worry about who worries about me.
To love who loves me.
To help those who help me.

I chose to like myself.
To focus on what I like.
To strive for what I love.
To work to satisfy myself.

I chose to live the way I want and like, according to my ideals and values​​, without worrying about opinions and judgments of those who have nothing on which to judge.

I chose to walk straight ahead, just giving myself the luxury of looking back when to admire my past, my mistakes, my victories and everything else that made me who I am now.

I chose to fight to get out of the cage and fly freely, leaving the door open to be able to go back and rest from time to time.

I chose to drop all that weights pulling me down, one at a time, and so, lighten up in order to fly higher.

I chose to choose.

And I chose to be happy ♥



Today's motto: "You have the life you choose"

Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

I Found The Light.

Sometimes... you find your way and climb out of the black hole.




For the past months, I've been lost. Totally empty. I was always sad, upset, crying, hurting.

It felt like nothing made sense. Like things were all wrong. Like nothing could help me coming back from the darkness.

I had lost myself.

The things I love meant nothing. They felt so away. Like they had run away from me. Like everything else had.
I wasn't doing anything because I like it. All I did was because I had to do it. Nothing felt good or amusing. Things were just boring and meaningless. Even though I loved them. I knew I did! I just didn't remember...

Everyone was gone. There was nobody there to catch me. To tell everything would be alright. To make me feel like I wasn't a total failure and that I could get out of the dark and come back to the light.
My best friend left me for someone that hurts and destroys her.
My other friends have their lives.
And I won't even mention him. Why would I? It's not like it matters at all.

All I did was survive.


But, after going through being lost, I finally found myself.
How, you ask? In everything I love. In singing, acting writing, making YouTube videos, dancing, reading ... just Living.
And in the people. My friends, my family, random people that inspire me (Kimmi Smiles was - is - a big one). They are the ones that matter. They are the ones who love me and care about me and that I love and care about. They are the important ones.
And all of this woke me up.


It made me see it. All of it.
All the beauty, the happiness, the love that surrounds me.
I woke up and said "You know what? I should be happy. I deserve to be happy! I AM HAPPY!".

And, let's be honest, I have a roof, a family, food, clothes, everything I need and some extras.
Yes, I've been hurt. Yes, I've been disappointed. Yes, I've been broken. Yes, I've been lost.
But that's fine! That's all fine.
Wanna know why?
Because that means one thing:

I AM ALIVE.
AND I LOVE IT.


Today's motto: “You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth.”

Today's song: Catch My Breath - cover by Against The Current and Alex Goot

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Forcing An Ending.

Sometimes... you have to say "I've had enough".





I'm sick.
I'm just sick.
Sick of the lies, of the games, the smiles, the tears, the sadness, the happiness...
Sick of everything.

All thanks to him.
The one that has ever made me feel like I was loved, who's also the one that makes me feel alone and broke.

The only one I never expected to leave me, left.

Worse. Tricked me. Lied. Broke a promise.

And now? Acts like I'm invisible. Like I don't exist. Like I never did...


You know what?


Stop.

Stop for a second.
Leave all of your little stupid plays behind for a moment.
And look. Just look at what you're doing.
To you. To her. To them. To me. To us. To everyone and everything.
Stop!
Just stop!
End the lies. The tricks. The false smiles, words, looks.
Just end it all. End the play.
Cause I'm closing the curtains.








Today's motto: "You have to be strong. And, a lot of times, that means leaving behind who you love."

Today's song: Forgot To Laugh by Bridgit Mendler

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

An Awkward Desire

Sometimes... you can even surprise yourself!







I think I'm going to say the most strange thing in the world: I want them to stay together.

Yes, them. Not me and him. Them.


They're perfect!
I know it sounds like I'm crazy, I mean, wanting the guy I love to be with other girl? Crazy! But... Whatever! Then I'm crazy. So what?
It's just the truth!

I feel like they just belong to each other. And I can't even believe they ever broke up!
I have no idea of their story or what happened between them. All I know is that they belong together.
I'm sure of it like I've never been sure of anything in my life.


He needs someone that can prove to him that he has much to give (as I know he does), and she's need someone that shows her how amazing and beautiful she is.
They would help each other in ways that they won't even be able to see. Only someone that's on the outside can understand. Because it's something that you don't see when it happens to you. Only when it happens to others.



I still love him. I do. It's not like it's something that just goes away with a pill!
But exactly because I love him that I want him to be happy and to be with someone that can understand him and show him how great he really is.
Even if that someone isn't me.

Plus, I like her! As I've said before, I can see a spark of myself in her.
And she deserves to be happy too.
I don't need to know her very well (but I actually want to!) to know that she's special.
She's the one for him.
I'm pretty sure.



I just wish I could help them!
I mean he has a girlfriend (which, btw, I hate! Not just causes he's his girlfriend but really cause she's kind of stupid! I've never liked her! And I knew her way before they were together!).
And she's hurt and sad and broke!

But I still thing they have a change!
They have to!
They need to.


I just wish I could do something...

Btw, when did become a matchmaker?





Today's motto: "You gotta sacrifice yourself for the ones you love. That's life"

Today's song: Little Thingsby One Direction

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Strange Connections

Sometimes... you do things that make sense to no one but you.







I did something really strange.

I started speaking with his ex-girlfriend.

Yes, the one he left me for.


I know right? Really weird!


To be honest, I'm not really sure why I did it!
But I'm actually glad I did! Which is the weirdest.


She's so special! And different! She reminds me of... myself.

She's a great writer too, actually. She's really amazing. That's why I started talking to her, in the first place. I told her I loved what she writes. Which is true! And she was super sweet to me.
And now, we've been talking for a while!

The thing is... she has no idea of who I am! I talk to her as an anonymous.
And she wants to know who I am. And what connects us (I told her we had a "strange and kind of dark" connection).
And I wanna tell her!
But...

What if she thinks I'm a freak?
What if she thinks I'm trying to get him in trouble? Because that's so not it!
What if she tells him?

But my biggest fear is... What if she hates me?
What if she gets mad at me?

I mean, I'm the girl he tried to conquer after being with her (even if he only tried for like a week, but whatever).
And she's the girl he left me to be with!

Shouldn't I hate her?


But... I don't wanna hate her! I can't hate her! She is too special! She's too... looked like me!!!!
And I don't want her to hate me!



It might seem like the weirdest thing ever but... I want us to be friends!
I feel like we could help each other a lot. About him. And not just that.

It really feels like we're two parts of the same person.

When I read what she writes... It's almost like I can see myself writing the same (although, I don't have as much talent as she does)! Almost like I know and feel the same. And that's really weird!

But, for some odd reason, I like that we have these weird connections (even though having "him" as a connection might not be so good) .


It makes me feel like...

Like I'm not alone anymore.







Today's motto: "A dark connection might just become a really good friendship."

Today's song: I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Broken Hearted... Again.

Sometimes... you're just stuck.







He has a new girlfriend. Isn't it great??


Being ironic is the best thing I can do right now.



Why, from all the people in the world,did I have to fall in love with a guy that has a new girlfriend every week??


It just hurts so much. And he aid he loves her. Not to me, obviously! He barely talks to me at all!

It's like I did something wrong! I did something wrong? Come on! He broke me 300 times, he lied and cheated! And I did something wrong? And he's the one that's not talking to me?


What's wrong with this world?



The worse thing?

I love him...








Today's motto: "Some people will never stop breaking your heart"

Today's song: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, covered by Debby Ryan and Nick Santino

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3