Is a Dream really worth this much pain?

Sometimes... Things go as you planned. 


I got in.

I applied for a collage in the UK. For a Performance course.
And got in.

I should be happy, right?


Then, why do I feel miserable?
Why don't I want this?
Why can't I just be normal and be happy about this like anyone else would?

I don't want to go.
I don't want to leave my family, my home. They're my Life. Without them, I'm nothing. I'm just a shell, no soul.
I'll be alone. And hurt.
I'll be in hell.
I'll be dead inside.


And why?
Because of some Dream that might never come true?
Because of some stupid Dream? A Dream that I don't even know if is my Dream??
How could it be? I barely know anything about it!

How can I say I want to do movies, when I never have?
How can I say I want to make music, when I can't compose? Or even play an instrument at all?
How can I say I want to act, when I'm pretty sure my skills aren't even good enough to be called acting? Sure they're great for a school drama club, but this isn't school. This is Life.
How can I say I want to sing? I can say I love it. But how can I dare to think that, with all the fantastically talented people out there, who are 300x better then me, I actually have a chance?



I'll put myself trough hell. And the ones around me.
And for what?
A Dream?

Is a Dream worth all of this?




Today's Song:

I'm sorry but I don't have a motto or a picture today, I wrote this right when I got the news because I needed to get it all out.

Let's all hope this will go away, ok?
Let's all hope I'll be ok, and that things will go well, ok?
Please, hope with me.

I don't know what else to do.

Refreshed

Sometimes... You just need a reminder!



It's has been a pretty hard time for me. So many things to deal with, having to crack my soul open (I know, that sounds weird, one day I'll get into details but it's too soon to talk about it now), decisions, big messes, work that most people don't consider work but that means a lot to me (I'm talking about blogs and YouTube and such... I make no money out of it and I don't have many people reading what I write or watching my videos, but for some reason these things make me happy and I wanna keep up with them - even though pretty much everyone else tells me they're pointless and that I should just stop. Which I won't!), plans that never come true, travelling plans which I have no money for and have no idea of how to get some, no job...

EVERYTHING is a mess!! But... I feel refreshed today!!
Why?? Because I just watched one of my favorite movies for the 10th time this week: The Clique.

And you know what?? Massie Block (even though she can be pretty mean) is the bomb.com and there is somethings she gets right: you gotta stand up for yourself, life as yourself and make a place for yourself!
And also, you gotta live day by day, do and say what you feel right now, tomorrow is a new day and even though you should plan some stuff ahead (like the outfit you'll wear the next day, per example...), you should never stress too much about tomorrow because, tbh, you can't control it!!


So yeah, I'm still freaking out because I'm not sure how I'm gonna go to the UK and to Paris in the same month with no money, yeah I still don't have a freaking way to make money, I still don't know what to do to settle some crazy confusions that just came up with people I really like, I still feel like crap because I think that by moving away I'll leave my dad alone, I still don't know if I'll be able to live away from home and survive, I still don't make money out of the things I love to do and people still tell me to stop doing them...

But you know what? Every time an opportunity presents itself so I can solve one (or more) of these issues, I'll take it. And I'll do my best to get these chances and use them the best I can.
But until then... I'll also do my best no to stress about them.

Because each day is a day, and you don't know what will happen!! My dad could get a new GF tomorrow and start having more concerts, I could be called for the perfect job in three days and I can start making money out of my blogs or YouTube or whatever else I love in a month!!
You never know!!


So it's time to take a turn, cross the road and see what's there.



And I'll take some of Massie's attitude with me (not the mean part, promise!), because she gives me strength!

And that's what I need right now.





Today's Motto: 

"Your mind will answer most questions if yo learn to relax and wait for the answer."                                                                                                                                            - William S.Burroughs

Today's Song:

Today's Pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Need It To End.

Sometimes... You just can't take it anymore.



It's killing me.

This, all of this, is killing me from the inside out.
I can't breathe. I can't speak. Or think. Or eat. Or even cry anymore.

I've lost all hope of being able to choose. I've lost all hope in myself. In my mind, and my heart.

All I want is for this to end. I can't take it anymore.




I'm living in a state of anxiety 24/7. My heart is always tight, my mind is always foggy, my eyes are always watery.

I can't handle the pain anymore. Everything hurts. Everything stings. Everything stresses.

Every word, no matter what it means, ends up giving me more questions and doubts instead of answers.

My heat will be broken no matter what I choose. My mind will be crowded no matter where I go.


All I want is this confusion, this hurt, this stress, this anxiety, this, all of this, all of the doubt, to end.



Because if it doesn't, I will. End.








Today's motto: "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."


Today's song:

Today's song:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Too Stressed To Reflect

Sometimes... You're just not in the mood to think.



Lately I've been so stressed about all the decisions I need to take, all I've been wanting is something to take my mind away.
Anxiety creeps in at every moment, I keep catching my breath. And not in a good way.

My deadline is closing in. I have to decide if I'm going to leave my country to take the course I want, while dying inside because I'll have to be away from my family, or stay in my country next to my family and forget my dream. Yeah, I know, seems easy hun?

Every time this comes to my head, my heart jumps. I cant control how anxious I get. And I can't get it out of my head either.

I've been living in a stage of stress for the past months. Half of me is really thankful that I have less then a month to decide. At least this will be over.
But the other half of me just wished I had more time.

I've gone over the pros and cons of both options a million times and I still can't decide. How can I? Decide between being away from my family while pursuing my dream or forgetting it and staying with them?

I guess it's that old dilemma: Career or Family?

I mean it's not like I'm not going to see my family at every chance I get a talk to them every single day. But I won't be able to hug my mom everyday, to go to my dad's house every two weeks and watch crazy movies filled with guns with him (not really my style, but there's actually been some I liked!

Even when I move out of my house, my mom and my dad will always be a short car ride away!

If I go to the UK?? They'll be a freaking play ride away!!

On the other hand, Skype is a miracle and the UK and Portugal aren't too far away. And tickets can be pretty cheap.

Still... not the same. But to take a great course and maybe have a chance to actually follow my dream, it can be worth it. Right?

I don't know... That's the thing. I don't know.




And I need to know.









Today's motto: "Waiting hurts. Forgiving hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful..." - José N. Harris


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Sleepless Nights

Sometimes... You just can't sleep.

I lay here

Motionless

Eyes Open

Surrounded by Darkness 

I lay here

Silent

Trying to drift off

To that land where all we wish is true

But I don't

I can't

I'm stuck here

In the Darkness

Where I lay

Motionless and Silent 

Alone

Because you're not here with me

Because I can't dream and pretend you are

Instead, here I just lay

As time goes by

Until the Light finally comes 

And starts to erase the Dark

But not from my heart 

Today's motto: " 4am knows all my secrets"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

Writer's Block

Sometimes... You get blocked.



I'm not sure if i can call this writer's block, because I don't consider myself a writer in anyway... But the truth is, I am blocked.

I can't figure out what to write about or how to write it.

There's a poetry contest going on right now where I live, and I usually always send some stuff there (I never won or anything, but I still find it fun and thrilling!).
But soon the deadline will be here and I haven't come up with one single poem.

A couple of years ago I would write almost every single day! Mostly poetry, even though I always wrote some random text and short stories (or long stories that I never finished) once in a while.

But since then, I've been completely blocked.


And not just in writing.


It kind of feels like my entire life is blocked.

I can't find a part-time job, I can't find a place to volunteer that fits me, I can't start my dancing classes and my driving license classes cause it somehow feels like I always have something else to do, even though I feel like I do nothing.

I can't decide which course, school or even which country I want to have my college years in.

I'm lost and blocked.



And I have no idea how to find myself and break free.





Today's motto: "Writing about writer's block is better than not writing at all"


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses

Ella <3

The Moon Shines - a poem

Sometimes... the moon shines.

The Moon Shines

Have you ever seen it?

That one singular moment

When the Moon shines?

Did you see it's beauty

Feel it's light

And hear it's whisper?

Oh, if you've never heard Her whisper

You've never heard any whisper at all.

It is the most delightful sound

Like the Wind singing a song

Given beat by the Raindrops that slowly fall 

While you simply lay in bed and listen.

It's like witnessing the Sea

Chanting it's way till Shore

Which welcomes Him with open harms

Echoing His melody.

It's like having your soul mate

Softly mutter at your ear

The three words that set your body on Fire

"I love you"

And so, that's the whisper

That you can only hear in that magical moment

When all Faries come out

and The Moon Shines.

Today's motto: "The moon is friend for the lonesome to talk to."


Today's song:

Today's pic:

Hearts Hugs and Kisses,

Ella <3